And let there be MUSIC

Well honest to god, I want to somehow blend vocals, saxophone, and techno synthesizer to create a sound of somekind.  I know, my dream makes no sense.  So I guess I would either be Green Day's touring Tenor Sax Player (yes it exists) or maybe a part of a girl singing group such as Destiny's Child?  Definitely would prefer to be a part of Jazz group though, so maybe a part of Capitol Quartet as the Baritone or Tenor Saxophonist?

Good movie, not my type of movie however.  A little too bloody for my tastes.  However the parts of the film that does NOT include Brad Pitt are quite good.  I'll be able to give a better and more complete opinion of the film.

New Year's Eve used to be a really special holiday for me.  When I was younger, we would go over a family friend's house and we would stay up until midnight.  There would not only be my parent's friends there, but also lots of kids.  It was a nice change of pace from all my dad's house party's where I was the only child.  As I got older, the friendship between the two families fell through, and the holiday became a much more monotonous event for me.  When my parents got divorced a few years later, the holiday became the "Christmas Rebound Holiday".  Whichever parent didn't get Christmas would demand New Year's Eve.  So I guess, for me, New Year's Eve is a pleasant childhood memory.  And nothing more.

Just saw the blind side.  And honestly I believe that it would have been more cost effective and enjoyable to rent it.  It's good, but its not that good.  Amazing story, ok movie. 

hello hello hello
I think about you
All day long
Every sight
Every sound
It's all you, you, you
you, you, me...
just a silly girl
in a big, big world
surrounded by a scary...
thought, of you and me
Could this be
More than a faded shimmer of a dream
oh wo, oh wo
a faded shimmer,
shimmer of a
shimmer of a
feel, as if I would fit into your arm
like a puzzle piece
fitting into the groove
into,,, the groove
oh wo oh wo
you are perfect
you are worth it
I hope you see, that I am meant for you

Today was a day full of Christmas shopping and general merriment.  We started in Macy's before proceeding to JCPenney's, then American Eagle, then Rue 21, then Kohl's and finally Michael's.  At JCPenney's I found some really nice, though not exactly classy clothes that were perfect for my current style.  (I am in love with leggings, black, leopard print, etc.)  I found a leapard print tunic length sweater and red legs with black lace.  I did not have any more luck until Kohl's where I happened upon a pair of gold and black snake skin leggings, and two black tunics.   We were also able to pick up some luggage and a wet to dry Remington straightener.  Michael's however was the best.  I had $90 worth of giftcards and a 50% off most expensive item coupon.  I was able to get some oil paints, paint containers, new paint brushes, and 15 wood mounted canvases for only $115.00.  =)  That made my day. 

over and out,

Dark Phoenix

I just worked myself up so badly that I puked.  I didn't stick my finger down my throat I just felt so bad that I got nauseous and then I puked... fuck.

The level of self hatred I am feeling right now is shockingly high.  I ate way too much today.  I had a cinnamon roll for breakfast.  Some breaded eggplant for lunch.  A slice of Pumpkin pie, a slice of cheesecake.  And for dinner stuffing, a piece of turkey, and a bit of squash.  It is making me sick to think about how much I have eaten today.  I don't care if its Christmas.  It's disgusting.  I am close to losing it.  I just want to go to bed and die so no one can find me or think I don't want to think.  I hate myself so much right now.  Why am I so disgusting?

 

I can't sleep.  Feeling oddly content despite that.  I don't feel nearly as disgusting as I did two hours ago.  Not sure why.  I guess I just like the way I look in vinyl spandex?  Haha, unfortunately true.  I like the way I look in spandex better than pants... (how lady gaga of me no?)

So not only am I up super early and can't fall asleep, I have been informed by a very groggy mother that presents time isn't until 11am today...  so I have... 8 hours to do nothing.  And at least 4 hours until others wake up, if not 5. 

Other random note:  I absolutely adore Shakira. 

Music note: Tegan and Sara's new cd Sainthood is amazing.  I suggest everyone get a copy. 

Ok, I find myself physically disgusting.  I desperately need to lose somewhere between 10-20lbs (the rough estimate because I don't have the heart to weigh myself).  Mirrors make me want to cry.  When I walk around I feel nauseated because I am constantly imagining what everyone else is seeing.  I run almost every day and it seems to have had the opposite effect on me physically, I think my legs got bigger.  No matter how hard I try to eat less than 2000 calories a day it seems that I always eat exactly 2000 calories.  That is for two main reasons, the first is that I am terrible at controlling myself when food is served.  I can skip meals fine as long as people aren't staring at me.  That is when it gets a tad bit awkward.  Also, my family is the type that eats and eats and eats, its imposible to not be served food.  Luckily, now that school is out for the next two weeks I don't have to "go to lunch" so I should do better at skipping that meal.  My goal is to decrease my caloric intake by at least 500 calories.  I think cutting one meal should do the trick.  Ideally I would like to eat only 1000 calories, but I think that is going to take more out of me than I realize.  I am going to try to start my days with one cup of oatmeal or one cup of cereal.  If I have to have a lunch, I am going to eat raw fruits and vegetables.  Dinner is going to be difficult since that is typically a family meal.  I think as long as I do not eat any carbs in my dinner, since my breakfast is already carb heavy, I'll do alright.  That should add up to about 1500 calories.  Then when I get back to my house I'll add in running on my treadmill to this diet, plus maybe some crunches for good measure.  I want to weigh under 100lbs before the spring.  This is going to be a challenge because I don't think I have ever managed to get my weight below 118 before.  I'm only 5'2" so even 118 is a tad on the fat side.  Wish me luck.

Black hole of calcutta